Friday, January 27, 2012

Life as we know it

Life as we know it is always changing. What we know of our lives right now will change tomorrow. Maybe only in such a small way that we don't even notice it. When we really realize that life as we know it isn't life as we know it anymore, is when the big things in life happen. Big things like a tiny new life beginning to grow inside of you. Life as I knew it before now was all about us, trying to plan good dinners, budgeting our grocery bill, couponing, getting used to his new job, trying to keep up relationships with friends and family, trying to keep laundry and dishes done for two.

Life was all about talking about the future and the babies and a bigger house one day. I still look at him sometimes and realize how new we are still to each other, and think "oh yea, this is my husband , weird..." And now we have a new life as we know it. Consisting of talks about what will it be, what will we name it, we need a bigger house, worries, fears, morning sickness, food aversions, constant tiredness, mood swings, and trying to figure out where in the midst of all this do I have time (or energy I should say) for laundry. As I folded laundry for the first time in a week, I realized it won't be long before I am folding hooded towels and onesies. I will have two people in my life needing me to take care of their needs, while I still try to cook dinner and keep their clothes clean. And what a wonderful feeling that is. Overwhelming, I won't lie, but so amazing.

So finally since we discovered this life growing inside two weeks ago, I have time to sit down and think about it all. The little tiny life that is safe and cozy and warm inside of me is real. It is the answer to our prayers, and the product of love that the Lord brought together. It is a precious gift, and I am in charge of doing all I can for it's well-being. I realized it's not about me anymore, but it is about baby. I can't do everything just because I want to or don't want to, because everything I do now affects that little life in such a big way. I realized that excitement isn't the only emotion that comes with discovering a baby is to be. Instead, the excitement is almost drowned out most times by the other flood of feelings that come. And that's ok. Because just like the roller coaster of being a newlywed, I am sure pregnancy will be the same. I will get settled into the role of it. Only to realize that life as I know it will change again and that little life inside will be in my arms bringing with it so many new and wonderful things. And this will be life as I know it.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Who is right, and who is stubborn?

I may have said this before, but I thought when I was engaged that marriage wouldn't be hard and that those people who said it was just had the wrong mindset. Well, I was partially right, but partially in lala-land and head-over-heels excited to be marrying Mr. Right. Marriage is a TRANSITION, and one that takes a lot of getting used to and a lot of realizing you need t work on yourself. I certainly thought that after a year things would be a breeze and I would REALLY know Mr. Right by now. I mean I know he has a favorite color of Scooby Snacks, so surely I know everything right? Not so much... We are still going through the "what to buy at the grocery store" struggle, and let me say, this can be quite the struggle. I would pour out details and all the things that go through my head, but I will spare us all.

But I will have a little reflection and processing time. Because of different things in my life, I taught myself to be hard and tough and that is was good and it was ok. But it wasn't. What it taught me was to ignore everything I felt for years and pretend that things that happened to me weren't a big deal, when in fact they were. We all do this, but some of us do it a little more, or maybe I should say a little worse than others. Everyone in my family told me one day the cork was going to pop off the bottle that I stuffed everything in and I was going to spew. But I said no not me, I'm tough, I'm fine, I'm strong. Well when Mr. Right came along a funny little thing happened. I started to let myself feel again and I let my walls start coming down that I had put up to keep people out. And that was a good thing, I just didn't know what the outcome of that was going to be later on down the road.

So now we are happily married, but I have all those years of emotions and feelings I stuffed that are continuing to slowly trickle out of my bottle. And on top of that, I am still new at this whole experience of letting myself FEEL. And so what do you have? Mrs. over-emotional, super-sensitive, and needy. I am the person I couldn't stand just two years ago. I think I over-feel now, if that is even possible. And I am married to Mr. Confident, who loves me dearly and also loves to pick on me dearly, because that is what he does to those he truly cares about because he can be himself with them.

So if it isn't obvious enough, let me point out the problem here. Mr. Confident picks on Mrs. Emotional, which leads to Mrs. Emotional getting upset and getting her feelings hurt. So naturally in my emotional state, I just want an apology for his being insensitive and to be held and cuddled and told I am right and I am the most wonderful thing on the planet. But Mr. Confident just wants me to have fun joking with him and to stop being so sensitive all the time. So, who is right and who is being stubborn and doesn't want to admit fault. I am going to say both of us are guilty of each. I might want my apology, but maybe I am demanding an apology for something that really doesn't need one. And he doesn't see why he needs to apologize, but maybe he needs a little more understanding. And maybe I need to apologize for getting offended so easily, and recognize that I may have over-reacted due to my current state of learning how to feel again. I may know his favorite color of Scooby snacks, but with my frequent over-reaction to things, I realize I certainly don't know him perfectly yet. I am still learning what he means by things he does or says, and so I am having to learn to be more conscious of how I react to what he does.

So I am learning. Learning so much. Learning how to feel. Learning who I am. Learning who he is. Learning I am not always right. Learning how to admit when I am not right. Learning how to face myself and my emotions and learning how to handle them correctly. And I can only pray that God continues to give me humility to see when I am wrong and admit it, and that He continues to help me learn how to correctly handle this new thing called feeling. Not only that, but that He helps me better understand Mr. Right who I am so blessed to have, so that my lack of understanding and then overreactions does not drive a wedge where one does not need to be.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

On guard

During a recent event my husband and I attended, a certain female decided it was going to be her goal for the night to flirt with my husband. Of course my defenses went up and all I wanted to do was give her a nice blow to the face and lay her flirtatious little self unconscious in the floor. However, because of the nature of the event we were at, I wanted to be respectful of those hosting it and not cause a scene. So I had to make my presence known and be polite, and try to protect my marriage without just being rude and blunt.
To me, my marriage is a treasure and all I hold dear. I am protective of it and the covenant my husband and I made. I was angry that this woman was trying to place herself in take my place next to my husband. After thinking about it a lot, I realized it was a righteous anger. It was like I was sitting there watching Satan try to put a wedge between my husband and I, and cause problems between us. He was using the situation we were in, and the atmosphere around us to try to sneak in and do damage. The crazy thing about Satan is that he somehow has a way of causing damage when we don't realize it, even in just a few hours with the flirtatious efforts of one person. He will try to attack marriages, especially when we are determined and trying our hardest to keep our marriages God-centered and make conscious efforts to do things right. Thank God for a husband that is true to me and was willing to talk everything out and understand the problem I had with this woman's actions. In the group of people we were in that evening, no one thought twice about a married person flirting with someone else. It is how they live, and they can't see the damage it does to their relationships.
For those who are like me and take the covenant of marriage seriously and are protective of the blessing they have in their husband or wife, be careful when you are surrounded by those who don't see things as you do. Don't let your surroundings consume you, and even for one evening allow you to put your guard down. When it comes to our marriages, we must always remember to protect ourselves and our spouses. Don't give satan even a crack in the door to squeeze through. Marriage is sacred and holy and if we allow it, can be the biggest blessing in our lives.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Safe Place

In the first several months of marriage, I (and my husband) found that I got hurt very easily by things he did or said and was easily upset. At the time I was going through a difficult time emotionally, but couldn't figure out why I was so incredibly sensitive to him. At some point, it came to me. He had become my safe place.
As we grow up, our parents and other various family members may mean well, but they will cause us hurts and heartache. At some point our trust in them will be broken, they will fail us, or relationships will be strained. The saying is true that there is no place like home, however, when there have been hurts, frustrations, or tensions at home in any way we become guarded. So, what God intended to be our safe place, becomes only partially safe.
When I met my would-be husband, like most people do, I had my guard up. As we got to know each other more, dated, and then were engaged, I began to trust him more and open my heart to him. In my life I had closed my heart to most people and was afraid to let anyone in. So to let him in was a big deal, and as I opened up my heart to him, it began to soften from many years of being hard. I was able to allow my heart to open to him because there were no past issues, hurts, failures, etc., to make me be on guard. He was a safe place for me to trust my heart with. I fell in love, what we had was fresh and new, and what I had been waiting for, so my heart opened.
Because he had become my safe place, I was so much more sensitive to how he was towards me than I ever had been with anyone. Before I had the revelation of why, I just thought it was because I loved him so much. But now I know. Not only do I love him dearly, but he is my safe place. God is supposed to be our safe place, and I find my refuge in Him, but I know that He gives us people and places here on earth who can be an earthly safe place.
When we get married and our spouse becomes our safe place, it can be an easy target for destruction. Not only are we adjusting to a new way of life and a new relationship, but we get the mentality (whether we realize it or not) that this person is supposed to love and protect us and have our best interest always at heart. When my husband said or did something that I found to be hurtful, it easily could have been an open door for allowing walls to be built up between us. Through much prayer and trying to keep my heart right, I learned to deal with my hurts and address them with my husband, rather than letting them build up. If you let them build up, your spouse will cease to be your safe place. You will then not only resent them for the things they did that hurt you (big or small), but you will resent the fact that your safe place came crumbling down. Your heart will then begin to harden towards them. You may still love them, but over time, the love flow will turn into a tiny trickle.
So take your safe place and treasure and protect it. Don't let your flesh or the enemy destroy what God created and so many people long for. A safe place to go to, where there is love that flows freely, and you are free to be who you are. Learn to dwell in your safe place, and keep it a safe place.

Friday, August 26, 2011


My husband started on his squad's rotation last week. It has been a bit of an adjustment and I can tell it might take a little while to get used to. Wrapping my mind around being married to a police officer was enough of a challenge in itself. I worry about any and everything possible, so naturally I am going to worry about his safety and all the things they warn officers about in training. But I am trying to trust the Lord for his protection and for His continued hand over our marriage. When he started on his new schedule, he started with working nights.

So, I spent nights tossing and turning not sleeping well and very conscious he was gone and out roaming and protecting the town. Then of course he has to sleep days, so it has been difficult remembering not to call or text. It is going to be a big adjustment in these first few months just figuring out how this new schedule works and will work for us. I don't like it as of right now, but I know I will get used to it. Next month we switch back to days, so maybe that will be easier. This I know is just another learning curve. I still consider myself to be a newlywed, and want to spend all the time I can with my husband, but I have to realize we are living life together now and this is what it looks like. So I choose to accept it, be content in it, and learn how to do this cop wife thing the best I can.

Friday, August 19, 2011

I learn to refurbish furniture



My first before and after pictures! Thanks to Pinterest, I recently acquired a desire to refurbish furniture. So when I saw this chair I decided it would be a good test run, and I love the finished product!

I am proud of myself for stepping out and trying something that seemed a little scary. It being all said and done, it was not hard at all and a good outlet for stress and creativity. A big thank you to my wonderful hubby for cutting the wood for the seat!

As a wife I have now learned to refurbish furniture, and can't wait for the next project!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Sew excited!

Ok the title may be a bit cheesy, but I'm ok with that! I received a wonderful gift from my mother-in-law recently- a sewing machine! I have never sewed with one before but had been wanting one, so I was very excited to get it. My first project was some pillows for my living room couch. They are pretty simple, but I am proud nonetheless. So I can now say I have learned how to sew with a sewing machine!